Conservative Party of BC declares John Rustad ‘incapacitated’ after jamming 20 pins into voodoo doll
Caucus members chant ‘Ade due Damballa!’ as needles entered the effigy finally ending upstart party leader’s tumultuous reign
John Rustad was the Icarus who pulled the BC Conservative Party from the doldrums of nothingness to soar to near success, almost winning the last provincial election in British Columbia.
Now, however, he’s flown too close to the sun. Much like this a little too on-the-nose metaphor, he’s become an exhausting distraction who simply won’t fall to Earth.
After months of turmoil, sagging polling numbers, far right members defecting, and more than one refusal to resign as leader, party insiders found a loophole, much like tricking a toddler who refuses to go to bed.
“Ade due Damballa!” chanted Korky Neufeld and Linda Hepner as 20 members of the party jammed 20 pins into a voodoo doll of Rustad.
Chilliwack-North MLA Heather Maahs was outraged that her colleagues used an African pagan pre-colonial contact religion to take Rustad down.
“We are a Christian nation founded on Christian values,” Maahs declared.
“We could have just crucified him.”
Along with the voodoo chant, the caucus cited section 11.02 of the party’s charter while needles pierced the woollen flesh of the doll thereby rendering him “professionally incapacitated and unable to continue as party leader.”
Despite the inarguable powers of Voodoo, Rustad said he is still in charge.
“I’m currently the leader of the party,” he told reporters at the legislature shortly after a news release was sent out by the party saying he was not the leader of the party.
“Nothing has changed since we discussed this this morning,” he added, ignoring the fact that everything changed.
At the same time the party said Rustad was out, they announced that Surrey-White Rock MLA Trevor Halford was named interim leader, a move that was embraced uncynically by folks on Twitter.
“It's kind of like medieval Europe with two Popes at the same time,” Tweeted one person who is totally real.
“All hail the anti-pope!” replied another. “He shall rule from Prince George.”
While Rustad refused to admit he was removed as leader on Wednesday afternoon despite being removed as leader on Wednesday afternoon, he did concede a valid existential point regarding his tenure as leader.
“I’m not going to live forever.”
Meanwhile, Abbotsford South MLA Bruce Banman said the doll needling incident prompted his request to change his title of “caucus whip” because of too much S&M teasing.
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Paul J. Henderson
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